The vacuum in me

The twinkling distance light in the farther lane....
I sit and stare it without any mental awareness..
For a hour I sit there and think and thousand things and nothing...
My head shakes in disapproval and i look away...
I keep scratching my inner wrist and it's weirdly satisfying...
I grab a bottle of water and gulp it down like a dry soil....
I think to take a walk to stop the hyperactivity in my brain...
What else people do except walking they just keep walking..
Despite of the bad road and weather...
I walk to see my silhouette in the rusted mirror ...
I see the designer bags under my eyes which if you try to open you ll get a drum full of broken dreams...
And my cold feets under the cheap and fake warmth of my shoes....
And I feel my fast beating heart and slow walking brain which constantly threatens me of insomnia....
The vacuum inside me and outside me matches....
A otherwise calm sea has numerous waves ....
A pestered smile outside and a hard fought war inside....
As if the coffee beans I am grinding have my subconsciousness inside the jar too...
The intake of oxygen has lessened and I feel a burning sensation in my throat ....
I try to cough it out and with the discomfort goes my sanity...
I feel watched, I hold myself still and goes to the clearing....
I see my old rusted rocking chair in the balcony....
I go sit there and see outside to see my world again.....
So lifeless , so used , and so cold....

The glass castle

The running vehicle...
and the beautiful lake running in the opposite direction....
And I sit inside with a racing heart....
Nothing can pacify this pain...
Not the smooth water of the lake... Nor the pink blossoms of the road side...
The beautiful pink flowers covering the roads...
Not of my interest today...
Coz it reminds me of the road back in home....
Where we used to roam together...
It started drizzling outside...
So beautiful the rain is...
And the raindrops sliding down ...
Just a glass away from my touch..
I open the glass to feel them and let them sooth me...
But the touch of the rain....
It pulls me back to the days...
Our first drizzle together ...
Where we couldn't do much ...
Other than staring each other ...
And that curved smile on your lips while ruffling your wet hair is what haunts me...
I stare away from the window to distract myself...
My eyes fall on the steering...
And the deserted roads of Bhubaneswar before the dawn comes into flash....
And I can hear the endless talking ....The laughing... The teasing.... Our rides...
I close my eyes and concentrate...
Just to see your face ... The smiles....
Was it your fault or mine I think...I lost you or you lost me...
Everytime I walk down the lane of memories... I walk on broken glasses ...
Piercing my feet with every step, bleeding...
The glasses are of my shattered dreams ... The glass castle for both of us...
Where the first ray of sunshine would have fallen on your face and I would have watched you mesmerized...

I wonder....

I wonder if anyone would have ever truly loved me...
The whole me, while I stay and while I was away...
I wondered if someone smiled seeing me sleeping ....
While in sense and in my complete nonsense...
I wonder if anyone would have thought m beautiful...
Not the looks outside but my heart inside...
I wonder if anyone would have cared for me...
While I fall sick or when seeing the calls I didn't pick...
I wonder how true love is ...
I wonder what's the pain of being apart...
I wonder how people get over me so soon...
I wonder how the attachment hurts me so much...
I wonder how the pain stay for so long....
I wonder if I ll ever understand...

Bas kuch der ki hi baat thi

Subah uthte hi coffee banane nikle ...
Zara dost se bhi puch lete..
Uthe nei the tab to intezar kar lete...
Bas thodi hi der ki baat thi...
tayar hoke nikle gile balon me..
To Zara murjhaye hue podhe pe pani dal dete ...
Bas thodi hi der ki baat thi...
Office chalte hue raste ko taak rahe the...
Zara maa ko bhi call laga dete ..
Bas kuch hi der ki to baat thi...
Lunch break me bahar nikle ..
To dekhe lawn me safed rang k phool khile the ...
Thoda theher k use chu hi lete...
Bas kuch hi Der ki to baat thi...
Sham ko chai ki chuski k sath kuch batein chal rahi thi...
Kuch mail karna tha sayad...
Wapas Ake thoda der unse bhi baat kar lete bas kuch hi Der ki baat thi...
Sham ko khamosh apni desk pe bethe the...
Kuch Soch rahe the sayad...
Facebook pe dosto k kuch msgs the pade...
Zara reply hi kar dete ...
Bas kuch hi Der ki baat thi...
Mana zindagi Badi Tez hai...
Thoda ruk k has bhi lete ...
Zara aaine me apne  aap ko dekh hi lete...
Bas kuch hi Der ki baat thi...
Jab raat ko thak k sone aye...
Takiye k niche kitab padi h kabse...
Zara kuch panne palat hi lete...
Bas kuch hi Der ki to baat thi...
Anjane me kitna kuch reh jata h Baki ...
Sochte h kabhi to Karenge...
Kuch der ruk k unke bare me soch to lete....
Bas kuch hi Der ki to baat thi...

Zindagi kya hua tujhe...

Headphone k tarro k tarah ...
Zindagi bhi ulajh si gayi hai..
Kis aur se ho suljhane ki pahal...
Na samajh se hai na dil se...
Ek aur hai riste aur samajh...
Dusri aur hai dil ki batein....
Jo na mane khud ka hi kehna..
Kabhi kabhi me Sochu...
Kash koi button hota...
Dil ko Zara switch off hi kar lete..
Khawabo se samjhota k baad..
Phir on kar dete...
Ye feelings hi to hai ...
Jo na jeene deti hai...
Na unhe bhulne deti hai...
Hai pade kaam saare....
Par is Mann ka Kya karu...
Khunte se bandh k ab roka bhi to nei jata...
Pyar mohhabbat mante hai Badi bekar ki batein...
To kaam k baton se dil joda bhi to nei jata...
kar liya hai agreement sapno se...
Ab mat yaad dilana baar baar...
Kuch Baki hai aur kuch adhure..
Bas Karam karte jao phal ki chinta na kar.. Bachpan se yahi suna...
Par kambakkht dil manne ko tayar hi nei hota....
Ho gayi inteha intezar k ...
K kismat kabhi to badlegi...
Par ab lagta hai BioData me failure ka list likha bhi na jayega...

This emptiness

This emptiness is so strange..
Keeps Banging in my head..
Letting me know it's presence..
Drowning me deep down...
Where I struggle..
To keep my head high...
To hide my filled eyes...
To stop the drop of water...
From my bloodstream...
To stop that tear...
Sliding down to my cheeks...
Pulling my lips...
To a forced smile...
And to escape to a corner...
Where I can let loose...
And remember myself...
When I see myself..
My image in the mirror...
Looks broken ...
Looks shattered...
When I try to get hold...
Everything slides down...
Like mare sand from my hand...
The roads very long...
And the pain permanent...
The struggle real...
My soul torn apart...
And I keep thinking...
What I did to deserve this???

That hint of smile

A million stars in today's sky..
But one is the brightest
An angel sings in your talks...
And a smile to be the cutest
You just know what to say ...
A trophy to friendship
And a award to integrity...
When a stranger comes
To your crawling life....
And show you the
Path for running ...
Whenever you talk
It's sounds like a summer rain...
A innocent gesture
And the purest heart...
Respect and values in thoughts.
A promise of sunlight and hue
A combination of snow and due
Having you as my friend...
I Learnt about those...
Who cherish my nature...
Not set aside or mocked
You lifted my spirits
Made my days...
All the smiles gifted from you..
Are so much always
And when you mock
The sweetest I have seen
And that hint of your smile...
Through thick and thin...